Archive | February, 2014

Nigeria for Dummies

2 Feb

Imagine the helluva palaver that would have ensued if Flora Shaw -Lord Luggard’s babe-turned-wife – had not had that epiphany that led to “Nigeria.”
What would we have called ourselves? What region would our name come from?
You would hear that favourite Nigerian word – AGENDA- endlessly.
“It’s a Northern Agenda!”
“They think we don’t know this is a Southern Agenda?”
“Eastern Agenda!”
“This is a Western Agenda, jor!”
Vested interests, Cabals, Babas and Ogas at the top would clash.
That’s not all.

On cue. Stage right!
Enter our Ghana-must-go-esque salaried lawmakers. These aliens would
literally crack each other’s brains for a name, which would land some
of them in foreign hospitals with ginormous Forex acting as their
motivational entourage. This Forex motivation might make Nigerians in the insignificant others’ club wonder if they should not start breaking heads for a living.

Other lawmakers whose heads seem intact, or not, would go a-visiting their
broken-headed colleagues.
It is part of their legislative duties.
They are serving their country, after all.
It is all for a greater good.
It is that simple.

Forget simple. Simplicity is difficult in these parts. If things were
that simple, the Petroleum Industry Bill would have been passed eons

Thank God for Ms Shaw, though. She prevented a lot of cracked
heads. She also saved the country hundreds of millions that would
have been used to replace dozens of broken chairs. One wonders why,
after a whole century, Nigeria hasn’t been renamed after her. She did
name us, after all.

In our spirit of renaming, wouldn’t it be totally understandable if
Valentine’s Day was renamed “Goodluck Jonathan Day”?

The 2015 Presidential elections will hold on February 14, no? No,
there is no hidden agenda at play; the date was not chosen in the hope
that anti-PDP Nigerians would suddenly fall in love with GEJ,
muttering “I love GEJ,” like a mantra, while thumb-printing their
ballot papers. The date was not chosen so people would be seeing GEJ in their lovers’ eyes when it is time to do the needful on Valentine
Far from it.
But, even if it were, it wouldn’t be a bad thing, would it? Haba, the guy is a PhD holder, who is also surrounded by other PhD holders like Reuben Abati, whose theatre background makes him an authority in PDP’s convention of suspension of disbelief.
Maybe that is why Abati expects us to always suspend our disbelief
whenever his oga is concerned. We are supposed to play along. We are
supposed to understand whenever he explains GEJ’s actions, the same
way Squealer explains and defends every action Napoleon makes in George Orwell’s Animal Farm.
That’s his job, we understand.
We love our PhD holders and Ivy Leaguers in office who want us to dumb
down our brains whenever matters of state come calling. We should not be complaining about corruption, we should not be asking questions,
like why those grotesquely corrupt ministers and office holders haven’t been sacked.
It is not fair that people are always criticising GEJ.
Don’t Nigerians know that constant criticism distracts him from his
duties? You dare distract a whole president? Bad! Imagine what would
happen if the immunity clause was removed – the Nigerian government
would cease to function. You think it’s easy? Uneasy lies the head
that wears the derby hat.
Nigerians should unite and become understanding spectators in our
unique theatre of the absurd. We should clap at the end of every
scene, whether it makes sense or not.

No booing aloud, it’s bad for morale.

Maybe, the endless boos are coming because many members of the
Nigerian audience are not educated enough in these things. Maybe that
is why they don’t understand when to clap or boo.

What do insignificant Nigerians know about running a country? Always
complaining, never applauding.

Of course, this has absolutely nothing to do with the decrepit
educational system that can make students sell their kidneys to pay
school fees, only to be thrown out of their ramshackle lecture halls that can’t boast of WiFi.

The undereducated students are supposed to be of good cheer and clap at the whole crap, the same way everybody was supposed to nod their heads and say, “Way to go, GEJ!” when he signed the repressive Anti-Gay Bill into law, a law that just might shoot up our power
generating capacity to 40,000MW.


Not supporting the law amounts to condemnation. You know how much GEJ hates condemnation.
In case you’ve been in PHCN’s darkness, ask El-Rufai. Or Governor
Amaechi; the police is their friend.

You Nigerians whining about how the electricity supply has worsened,
especially since PHCN became privatised, are unpatriotic and
unappreciative cry-babies. Electricity supply couldn’t be better; it’s
just that your bulbs and electrical appliances refuse to come on, a
lot. Whose fault is that? Yours. And for that, you’ll pay, twice as

If you can’t handle it, go dance away your sorrows in a disco club. Or
defect. Or crash the National Conference and make a cool N9 Million.

Okay, maybe the title of this post shouldn’t have been “Nigeria for Dummies.”